The Possessor Of The Massivest Head

What is more exciting than seeing a very attractive guy blatantly checking you out?! The same attractive guy trying to chat you up on the night following the ‘checking out’ activities!!!

I first saw #9 at the university’s freshers fair and I noticed him straight away as he was standing out of the other lads, because of how massive and good looking he was. I was soon made aware of his brief dossier by my friend, who knew him from earlier. As well as introducing me to the story of his life she briefed that his picture should be the image that comes up on google when you type in ‘fit’ … That’s how attractive she thought he was. And to be absolutely clear, from what I heard, the majority of female students at uni felt totally same about him.

After all day at the fair I got the vibe he noticed me too and I started getting all excited for the night following… When the friend, who first enlighten me bout the guy, said that he asked her if she and her hot friend (HE MEANT ME!!! #happytimes) are coming out, I got even more excited.

Me and #9 barely talked throughout the night till I was leaving and he politely offered to walk me home. It could have been a nice romantic walk…
But my  lovely, friends walking just in front of us, made sure it turned out into another fiasco in daily drama called “The Romances of My Life”. They were trying to wind me up by gossiping about us and laughing their heads off all the way… On the bright side, Mr. #9 could not understand a word as my girls were talking in Lithuanian. But it still kept me distracted from my newest prince charming as all they were saying was that he must be a drug dealer (massive, latin-origin guy = drug dealer… cheeky little racists!!!) and I’m gonna be taken and sold as a sex slave in Latin America… Cheers, guys! I just love how caring and considerate my girlies can be.

Gladly, I wasn’t taken and he just walked me home, got my phone number and asked me if we could go out sometimes!
Ohhh yes, we surely could!!!

As soon as I started seeing him I realised that the main reason I was attracted was the amount of girls that fancied him… Granted, he was captivating, but he wasn’t actually my type. However, many girls were saying he’s a right catch and quite a few of them were that smitten they even tried to walk the walk not only talk the talk. The amount of times I’ve seen girls on a night out trying to grind on him or make any conversation …. R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S! But in my little messed up mind it just put him on a pedestal and if anything made me even more keen.

Good thing about it was that he was into me either and after all the arguments and dramas we’d have, he would still always want me rather than any easy catch from his fan club. The downside though: he was sooooo spoilt by girls’ attention …
He always was nice to me and treated me well. But the size of his head (funny, cause here I’m hinting to his narcisim and over self-confidence, but he literary did have a humongous head) was making it all wrong… He always used to expect me to feel as if I’m the luckiest girl in the world cause I’m seeing him and I should go out of my ways to do that.

“Come and see me when and where I fancy, woman, cause I’m a god’s blessing to the female kind” – one sentence that basically defined his stand on us. Moreover, throughout couple of months we were dating the amount of times we argued because he would flirt with others right in front me could easily reach the number of China’s population…  I mean, it’s certainly not a bad thing to flirt with others, but when you’re doing it in front of someone you’re seeing – that’s just disrespectful.

Shortly we were both sick of arguing. Moreover, we used to barely see each other: he was too cool to go out of his ways to see me and I did not sign up for being a push-around so didn’t come running after he snapped his fingers. So we broke it all off.

Even though, #9’s story is not majorly exciting and doesn’t have much cringe effect to it, I felt it needed to be told as it once again have proven well-known facts:

a) Don’t fall for a guy that’s over self-confident – it won’t work out too well if he fancies himself more than you.
b) Don’t let other people influence your opinions – just because many other girls really would like to go out with the guy, doesn’t mean you have to be keen too : LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, WOMAN!
c) Don’t waste your time and energy if you’re constantly argueing with the guy – there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

Remember an important law of singleness: it’s better to be on your own, than to be with someone purely just for the sake of it.

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WeedHeads a.k.a. HeavyStoners

Since quite a few good-joint-lovers were mentioned in my beautiful blog (#1; #7 and I bet many others were passionate about weed too, they just weren’t so open about it i. e. never used to get ridiculously high around me), I felt an essential need to address this subject with a topical post. Certainly, not because marijuana plays any important role in my own life, but because I want express my views about it and I’m aiming to set some ground rules for this ecological, futuristic game called “Get High”.
As an examplery blogger I made my research before getting all critical and preachy. So let’s get cracking…

Exhibit A (First point goes to… THE JOINT)
64809_10152567681550045_1219000136_nThis caring moter in the picture totally has her point. I mean, if you’d criticise pot just because of how it affects your body,  you’ll inevitably end up being called naive and silly and told that your breakfast cerial causes more damage to your health with all the E’s in it, than green, ecological ganja.


Exhibit B (Second point goes to… STOP-GETTING-HIGH ASSOCIATION)
imagesNine times out of ten good old canabbis brings out the chilled rastaman out of every individual, which desides to consume it. Chilled- is cool, but personal hygiene is cooler. Moreover these individuals usually become all chilled not only with the cost of their hygiene, but with the cost of their social skills as well… As I once mentioned before (#1) weirdly starring  at your palms instead of keeping a conversation with your date; giggling creepily while wathcing a movie about the sadest story ever known by human nature or trying to convince your mates that these unicorns in your room are really planning on leaving soon so they should come and check them out… Such behaviour won’t make anyone think you’re funny/cool/chilled and may even totally scatter your reputation and make you become The Weird/Creepy/Seedy Guy No One Wants To Hang Out With…

Exhibit C (Third point goes to… THE JOINT)

Beloved Amy is just one of too many artists, who felt the need to create some sort of ode to this magic greenery. I guess, then it’s fair to assume that ganja is really fun as there are so many idolic people spending their precious minutes on mother earth to write  and produce songs about it… Moreover, today smoking pot is just trendy, popular, cool and …. trendy (?) Ok, I must be done with this point.

Exhibit D (Fourth point goes to… STOP-GETTING-HIGH ASSOCIATION)
Fox News: Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning, second inquestconfirms
I’m not claiming that angelic miss Winehouse ended her life just because of getting stoned daily, but beware kids – it’s not lolipops. If you’re using it, used it with caution and make sure that:
a) You’re not getting addicted;
b) You’re not spending all your spare money on it;
c) You’re not becoming one of them people, that seems like they’ve completely lost the plot;
d) You’re not becoming a super fat, lazy stoner – weed does make you super chilled and does give you horrible munchies;
e) It’s not leading to any heavier drugs.

Sum up: even though, my analysis ended up being a fair play, without any winners, my own point of view is clear – too many reasons not to smoke and too less to do it. However, if after reading all this you’ll still decide to have a good joint  – please make sure it won’t become a weekly or even daily habit.

Homework: watch Wanderlust. And not only because Aniston’s hair is the ninth wonder of the world but because it ilustrates this post perfectly anf perpetrates the main idea: pot is good, when it lets you to live your life like you should. (I’m soo poetical today!!!)


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The Story of Successful Stalker

I always used to think that stalking could never lead to something good. And then Mr #8 proved me wrong.

One day I found a brief and straight-to-the-point email,from unfamiliar address: “Your beautiful . Id actually marry you 🙂 xxx”

I dunno what I was most at the time: scared; intrigued; flattered; freaked out… But I was curious enough to email back. So me and #8 started talking and apparently he’d seen me in the library a few times –> really liked me –> asked his friend to sit next to me and creep on my computer so to find out my name… When he finally got my name he figured out my email address as we all have university’s emails based on our names.

We kept on talking via email for couple of months and he seemed like a really nice guy, so I’ve done my maths…

And I did. One date, led to another and finally I found myself stuck with my one and only stalker for couple of months. And that, my friends, can almost be classed as a relationship… (GET IN!!!!)

He was amazing to me and we were having great time together, but then we break from uni for summer, hence I left the country for 3 months and he wasn’t even sure what he’ll do with his life from that point as he was a graduate.

With tears in my eyes I said “See you in fall..”.
Right then I was quite sure we won’t get through the summer, but he was absolutely positive that we’ll stay in touch via email and we we’ll see where it goes when I’ll come back.

In the beginning of July he got this job he was after and started going away for 2 weeks a month to work on oil rigs in various seas. Round then he stopped being keen on talking to me and started drifting apart. By the time I got back to university we were barely talking and when I emailed him saying I’m back he kind of asked me to stay away as he’s trying to give it another go with the mother of his child… Me, being a clever girl, got the message and just thanked for all the amazing time we had before. This was last September.

Last time I talked to him, which was about month ago, he was saying that I’m dead attractive and we should just have sex sometimes. When I replied asking what his current girlfriend, same old – the mother of his child thinks of this whole affair, he didn’t reply.
Ohh well, I guess these oil rigs doesn’t bring out the best in people…

Lessons to be learnt from this quite boring, but romantic story of mine:
a) Don’t always say NO to your stalkers. Give them a chance once in a while, they might be worth it.
b) Don’t trust an attractive guy, when he promises that he’ll wait throughout the summer for you to come back and be all happy happy with him again. Won’t happen!
c) Don’t let your better half get a job on oil rigs – it will turn him into an absolute penis-driven douche.
d) If you have a child with a guy that you’ve been separated for a while but finally got back together and that work’s on oil rigs and is from Sunderland – don’t trust him, he’s keen on cheating.


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I just really wanna… (FOR ALL LONELY SOULS)

After another long break in my wannabe-recognised-blogger career I’m back with new inspiration! I’ve gatherred some genuine knowledge about life, dated quite a few LOCOs and now I’m ready to reveal all that’s embarrasing/ cringe/ sad … So beware kids – some craic shit is about to come out!!!

But to begin with, I’m gonna be romantic and nostalgic for once in a change… Yes, I am a human and cold nights/ working on Valentine’s day/ and other signs of singleness makes me feel lonely once in a while. And thn I just really wanna….

I want to make breakfast and bring them to the bed for you…
I want you to teach me the rules of your favourite sport so I could watch it with you…
I want to get a bottle of beer from the fridge and open it for you when you’re hangover…
I want to listen to your rants about my make up items all over the place and shut them with a kiss…
I want to moan about the toilet seat always being up…
I want to tell you off for dishes in the sink and then go and wash it cause I know you’re tired today and you’ll do same for me some other time…
I want to wake up next to you and worry if my hair looks crazy…
I want to gently punch you on your side and ask you to roll over, cause  I can’t sleep when you’re snoring…
I want to make fun of you cause you got so drunk with your mates last night, you crawled into the bed with shoes on… (AND CHANGE THE COVERS ASAP)
I want to take long showers together on a Sunday morning…
I want to pretend that the dinner you made me is not burned, till you figure it out and order us a takeaway…
I want to buy you a 300-quid sweater that you love, but you won’t buy it cause you’d never spent such money on a sweater yourself…
I want to learn sewing so I could fix your shirt…
I want to take care off beer and snacks for you and your mates on a poker night…
I want you to take me to horrible action/gruesome movies so that when I squeak and cover my eyes you’d give me a big cuddle…
I want to meet your parents and make sure they like me…
I want to learn how to make you lasagna, even though I’m a veggie…
I want to spend hours listening to you moaning at your stupid boss, just so you’d turn round and thank me for my patience and understanding when you’re done with your rage…
I want to go on a holiday with you and constantly ask you to rub my back with the sun cream so you’d show to the other lads at the beach, I’m yours…
I want to occasionally fall out with you over the silliest things, so that we could have the hottest make-up-sex…

My man, you can come along now… I think I’m ready!

Posted in I need to put it out there (YOLO) | 5 Comments

Mr Multiple Personality Disorder

Dom dom dom…  I’m back!
After a long summer vacation without social mediating and blogging I’m back on track for good! While I had my little romances throughout the summer I’m more keen on sharing experiences of dating while I’m back at uni, hence back to the UK – the land where I tend to meet all the biggest freaks from all around the world!

Enough with the small talk; let’s get down to business!

I met #7 (surprise, surprise..) in a night club. It was one my girlfriends b-day, which tells you all you need to know about my state from alcohol perspective. After few first dates we really seemed to click and certain circumstances made us move faster – on a night out my bag i. e. my house keys, were stolen and I had to go back to his. Even though there wasn’t anything else but a little cuddling and spooning involved it made us move from just ‘few dates’ stage to actually ‘seeing each other’ stage.

Of course there were a few unpleasant cases throughout our story… I probably should blame myself for bringing the rastaman out of the guys I’m seeing – much like Mr I’ll-Show-Up-Super-High-For-My-First-Date #1, #7 really liked a good joint. Quite a few times I was made to realise that there’s no way to void awkwardness when you’re the only girl in the room with your boy and a number of his flat mates while they’re getting super stoned! Yeah, I guess I could of joined them but getting higher than empire state building and giggling as a crazy-ass, while playing on xbox, is jut not my cup of tea.

As well as that, #7 had a weird habit of stealing his flat mates’ food. And trust me I can’t think of anything that would put me off more  than listening to my boy fighting with his mates over a slice of lasagna… And not only cause I’m vegetarian.

Anyways, other than these few bumps our road seemed nice and smooth. We were really having fun together till everything turned 180 degrees when he went home for our Easter break. Out of being pretty much* a couple we went to not speaking at all. For four weeks #7 didn’t text me nor facebook-messaged me and my few attempts to contact him were just ignored. Or should I say were put on hold?! Cause I heard from him just few days before he came back saying that he was busy, didn’t notice my messages and other sort of #bigfatlies.

When he got back and got questioned what the f*** was all that about, #7 just calmly explained that he just tend to not talk to people while he’s away. “I wouldn’t talk to my mum for months when I’m up doesn’t mean I love her less.” – I was told.
Ohh no, of course it doesn’t! It does mean you’re a careless, egocentric douche, though!!!

I called him a bipolar, cause it ain’t normal to tell a girl you really like her AND you wanna take care of her AND you love spending time with her AND you’ll miss her… and just cut her off the day after, just cause you leave town, country, continent or even f***ing planet! It’s just not right!
In a change he awarded me with this pic on my fcb profile.

I think I fell for a true gent once again, haven’t I?!

*Just for a future reference – pretty much a couple is a stage of relationship where you both have openly declared you are into each other and you don’t wanna see anyone else. However, none of you feel the need to have the ‘are we a couple or what?’ talk or change your statuses on facebook.

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Free Breakfast On The Table

Lucky as I am, even when I don’t take chances to go out with lads I barely know and I just go out to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday, I tend to attract THE most daft guys at the place.

Once again, I’m gonna be blogging (moaning?) about someone I wasn’t even dating properly. But I just feel like the story needs to be spread, so that us, women, could then say: we’ve said, self-confidence can easily go over the top!

I bet (or I hope..?) most women come to a point in their lives when they are considering whether it’s worth to take the risk of being punched back if they’d punch a stranger who’s acting like a complete douche. Sadly, I face this wonder quite often.

My latest experience of meeting a cause of such query struck me on a night out in Newcastle. We were elegantly celebrating my friend’s birthday, when two smartly dressed lads came over to our table.
I’m not gonna be a stinky liar denying the fact, they looked fit, but you could tell from a distance they had egos bigger than their brains. One of them started talking to the birthday girl and I was the target of the second one. After five minutes of the most dull chat with the lad, my assumption about the size of his brain were proven right and my friend rescued me from being bored to death, asking me whether I’d like to go ladies room with her (bless all women with ability to read body language or simply spot pricks attacking their girlfriends quickly!).

When we came back, the good-looking version of Beavis and Butthead was gone…
They came back after 15 minutes. When girls spotted a bottle of Moet in their hands they started squeaking. The joyful squeaking didn’t last long as they saw the guys are only carrying two glasses. Them douche bags literary, came to our table, opened the bottle, had a sip each, mumbled something about how much fun tonight is and walked off.

I’m gonna stop just there and give you a second to re-live the situation and to deal with your heart attack after realising how much of a morons they were.

Took your time, ready to hear the rest?
To answer your question I’ll tell you that no, they didn’t think it was embarrassing enough and yes, they came back!

After about half an hour, when we’d just dropped the topic how much of a retards the guys were, they came back. Same dick heads, same champagne, same two glasses.
I’m not even sure which made them more pathetic: the fact they popped champagne into our faces and not even shared  it with the birthday girl or the fact, they bought a bottle of Moet just to show off and were just carrying it around all night, not letting the drink to fulfil its purpose – get people drunk.

When I was thinking they couldn’t bring any more disgrace on a man’s kind they proved me wrong. Ignoring me obviously being loath to chat, one of the lads still started talking to me. Instead of trying to sound at least a little interested in what me and my girlfriend were talking about he went straight to the point.

Maybe you wanna go back to our hotel together?

While my friend was choking on her drink I got myself together and instead of saying something not too lady-like, I just asked whether he thinks I look like someone who’d be interested in going back to their hotel together.
Just clearing any left doubts about him having any sake mind, he added:

You know, you’d get free breakfast… 

That was about it. It was the moment I fell into consideration what would happen if I’d slap him in the face.

Being a true lady I didn’t follow my instincts and left idiot’s face alone. No one knows, that slap I was so tempted to prize him with, might have out-shook the rest of his brains and then he would’ve become just a nice piece of a furniture rather than a human being…
For our all good, lads understood that we’re just a waste of time and we won’t trade  commitment-less sex for couple scraped eggs.

Once again, maybe I’m just too conservative and a night in a hotel with two strangers would’ve been just the right thing for me..? I’d probably appreciated it even more after my mouth-watering breakfast..?

Ohh well, I guess I’ll never know.

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Your Ex Your Never Knew You Had

Since I successfully managed to share my sad experience with  #5 a. k. a. Mr Not Even A Real Date I thought I can carry on with this topic.

Not as if I’d enjoy slagging off guys that I haven’t even went out with. It’s just some of the lads I’ve come across are such a weirdos, it would be a sin not to tell the world about them.

Mister #6 was the friend of a friend, that you always hope to bump into when you go out. Cute, kind of mysterious and arty, but not in a weird way.
When my friend told me that the friend of hers asked about me, I’ve got exited about possible bump ins even more.

My excitement started fading as a mist after first proper chat with him. Me and my match-maker friend went on a night out and  run into #6 with his mates. We all were having fun night, until he decided to ask me if he could kiss me.
Errrrrm… No thanks!

Every man (at least, those, who don’t fancy being sent directly into freaks’ department) should pay more attention right now:

  • a) If you really like a girl and you see she’s having great time with you, you just kiss her. You don’t ask her to do that. Other wise, you’ll soon find yourself on the freaks train to No Balls island.
  • b) If you were stupid enough to ask her and she said no, you don’t whine about it and you don’t put on a puppy-face, because then you’ll definitely end up with a single ticket.

Sadly for #6, my fabulous blog wasn’t on the world-wide web back then and he couldn’t refer to these intelligent tips. Result, you may ask?! He became the weird friend of a friend, that would make you cross the street when you’d notice him in a distance.

Thanks to mister Murphy, I started bumping into him way more often after that night. When we accidentally met in a club few weeks after, he seemed really glad to see me. Giving me a massive grin and showering me with compliments how good I look, was a tactical manoeuvre, which supposed to prepare me for getting back to “why wouldn’t you kiss me” issue.

Luckily, I am a women, who has a nose and who uses make up; I confess I used the oldest and the most common dodge and went to lu to powder my nose evaluate the level of #6’s freakiness with my girl.
Next time, when he caught me off guard, I was chatting with one lovely guy (in a scale 1 to 10: eight for his potential to become mister #7. From now on I’ll refer to him as ‘potential #7’. Just for convenience and clarity,though. End of the story.). #6 came  over and started telling potential #7, that we were in a relationship for quite a while. Yep, the same friend of a friend, that I’ve seen no more than five times before that night, suddenly became my dearest ex.

At first, I though he was joking and he’s gonna soon cut the c***. But he kept on going, no matter, how convincing I tried to be while telling him that’s not funny. Potential #7, obviously did not get the joke. Neither did I… So we just walked off.

Later on, when I spotted #6 to talking to potential #7, I felt essential need to interrupt. Apparently, while I was out of horizon, #6 managed to actually convince potential #7  that we were in a relationship for quite a while and we just split couple months ago. I went ballistic!

I  asked Mr #6 to explain himself, but he just stood there with a massive stupid grin on his face not saying anything, supposing that he’s really hilarious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I usually wouldn’t go that mental and cause a drama if random guy would make people think we were together some time ago. But I was really bothered about him making me sound like a liar, cause I told some people, who were there when #6 started bulls***ing, I wasn’t seeing anyone for ages..

Everything almost ended up with a fight, when potential #7 came over and started moaning at #6 about talking shit about me, which he refered to as such a nice girl (score!), and making other people feel stupid cause they would actually buy his crap.

After calming him down and stopping him from punching brainless #6’s physiognomy, I found my friend and asked her if we could leave. After listening to my night’s ventures she told me that she spoke to #6 throughout the night as well. The douche told her that he thinks I’m really hot and he wants to have sex with me… multiple times. I quote: “And then we could think about relationship.”

Darn! I missed it! Missed such a catch…
I really think I missed my one and only chance to have commitment-less sex!
On the other hand, we already been in relationship, which means we had a looooot of sex before…

Well then, I guess it just didn’t work out for us.

I have one word, my friends:

Posted in Freaks, creeps and other sorts. | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments